The Legend Begins...

Gilmour and I were talking tonight about how often people's reputation often times doesn't match the facts. The better you get to know someone, the better you're able to judge how closely the stories resemble the truth. And in some cases, you're actually present for events that eventually get turned into a story and you know, from personal experience, that the story has evolved past the facts. Happens all the time. Especially in the backwaters of a sub-set of a sub-set of sub-set of an artistic community.

Rather than sit around and wait for you people to take my stories, spice them up a bit with a few well-chosen embellishments, I thought I'd take matters into my own hands. Leaving truth and fact behind, I'm beginning a new trend here, by supplying you with stories of my mighty legend to begin dispensing amongst the proletariat. Just pick your favorite legend from this pre-approved list and begin telling it to anyone who will listen.

The first time someone that I don't know recognizes me from the legend that we're spreading here, I will buy that person (and the person who told them the legend) the drink of their choice. Standing offer.

Let's get down to the busy work of creating a legacy for me, folks. Here goes!

10 Mighty Deeds
From A Mighty Man
(all true!)

1. Once, on the IO stage, I did a scene that was so funny, that an audience members' colon collapsed. He died shortly thereafter, but only after he thanked me for the set.

2. I created the world's most complex and mind-blowing warm-up game. It's called "Daredevil Cats" and was performed absolutely correctly one time only. Lesser improvisers have lost fingers playing "Daredevil Cats" before they are ready for it. If you play it correctly, it unlocks secrets of time and space, giving you "The Perfect Show".

3. There's a couch backstage at The Second City that's named after me. Rumor has it, I balled Mary Tyler Moore on that couch. Twice.

4. Before every performance, I tap the bottom of my right shoe twice, look up into the heavens and say, "This one is for you, Danny" and then go onstage to rock it out. Nobody knows who Danny is.

5. On the day that I was born, Del Close woke up, startled, from drug-induced nightmare and was heard to utter, "Behold, The Destroyer Comes" before he threw up on his cat, shot the contents of a Flav-O-Ice into a vein in his arm and passed out again. The Flav-O-Ice was a blue one.

6. In college, I studied and mastered the Ancient Oriental Secret of The Time-Delayed Female Palm Orgasm. At a pre-appointed time in the future, any woman who shakes hands with me has an intense, eye-crossing, toe-curling orgasm. If they palm a twenty to me, I throw in a second one. Just for kicks.

7. I did a scene once at IO that featured object work so strong, that a team-mate of mine entered an imaginary door that I created with my imagination and actually left the stage. And this world. That kid was never heard from again. His name was not Danny.

8. I invented the hip, slang terms "What up?" and "If by X, you mean Y, then yes." and "You call this a vacation?" That last one is about to break big on the pop culture. You'll see.

9. I'm in the middle of writing my book on improvisational techniques that no living person has ever read. The title of the book is "The Three Things You Need To Know To Be A Comedy God". It's written by in a Polynesian virgin's menstrual blood on sheets of pressed gold in a language that I invented, using the guidance of Chris Farley's ghost. The book is two pages long and can be read logically normally and reflected in a mirror.

10. People often call me "The Beatles of Improv". When you point out that "Beatles" is plural and I am singular, you get kicked in the balls.

There you go, Dear Readers. Pick the Legend that rings the most true to you and start spreadin' the Good Word. There might be a drink in it for ya!

Captain of His Own Destiny,
Mr.B